Dad left us on March 6. It was a sad time because not only were we to be without dad; mom never returned to her home either because of her inability to live alone or with others and be safe from her disease - - Alzheimer's!
Our mom and dad were the bookends and anchors of our family. Yes, they anchored us; now we drift into the unknown. We don't know how the final chapter of a family who literally fell apart when a relationship of nearly 68 years ended with the death of a spouse. My sister, Kathy, and I have cried a lake of tears this year -- surprised that Texas could suffer a drought! Surely our tears filled the gap.
Many Baxter's passed away in 2011 as well. The lives of the Baxter's intertwined with ours over the years. They have always been a huge part of our lives as much as anyone. One right after the other seemed to leave us as though they held hands and followed one another to the other side. I remember them with fondness, love and respect.
In April, our precious cousins, Carolyn and Johnny, lost their son Danny Arthur. Another heart ache to add to the already tough times. Life will never be the same for the Arthur family.
On November 8, our 21 year old great niece, Kimmie Little, daughter of Don and Robin Little, passed. She'll always be remembered for a smile that could put sunshine to shame brightening up any room with that gift- her smile. A beautiful deep dimpled girl with long blonde hair and the bluest eyes ever, a beauty to behold. We miss you Kimmie!
Exactly a month after Kimmie said goodbye, on December 8, a man who was like a brother to Chick, a confidante, a fishing partner, a man who called him about every day for eons, was always there, Franklin O'Dell, passed from this earth.
On this earth tonight, we think of you and we are lonely for your presence again. We share you with heaven tonight. You are missed! We remember you.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Addiction
Addiction is such a small word for such a ginormous condition. Addiction can come in so many sizes and colors, but the end result is -- addition hurts people. It hurts the addict, it hurts the circle of loved ones who are posted around the addict hoping to pull them back from this disease.
The addiction I am familiar with is the drug addiction. We have fought this horrific disease as it grips our loved ones by the brain and drags them willingly into the hell on earth. We fight the battle, we think we will win. We keep on, and on and on, but it is stronger than all of us. Drugs and alcohol call their names. We learn to manipulate like the best of them trying to hold on. The addiction grips tighter. It covers the ears of the addict so they no longer hear. The addict wants to be high and stay high; let go of the grip of death and life will present itself. Gradually, life becomes tolerable without drugs, then it becomes exciting. No more hiding from police, parole officers, probation officers, debt collectors,cells, drug friends - - maturity starts to set in; life becomes manageable, but always and forever the evilness of drugs waits in the shadows to reclaim you and your life. Be strong!
Fight back! Make new friends; find support, addiction can be beat. It takes work, but mostly it takes turning your back on old friends, old places, and the thrill of the party. Claim your life! God gave it to you for a reason and taking drugs is not the purpose of your life on this earth.
The addiction I am familiar with is the drug addiction. We have fought this horrific disease as it grips our loved ones by the brain and drags them willingly into the hell on earth. We fight the battle, we think we will win. We keep on, and on and on, but it is stronger than all of us. Drugs and alcohol call their names. We learn to manipulate like the best of them trying to hold on. The addiction grips tighter. It covers the ears of the addict so they no longer hear. The addict wants to be high and stay high; let go of the grip of death and life will present itself. Gradually, life becomes tolerable without drugs, then it becomes exciting. No more hiding from police, parole officers, probation officers, debt collectors,cells, drug friends - - maturity starts to set in; life becomes manageable, but always and forever the evilness of drugs waits in the shadows to reclaim you and your life. Be strong!
Fight back! Make new friends; find support, addiction can be beat. It takes work, but mostly it takes turning your back on old friends, old places, and the thrill of the party. Claim your life! God gave it to you for a reason and taking drugs is not the purpose of your life on this earth.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Time goes by
and with time going so go the people. This evening I learned my Uncle Ishmael left us at 10:30 a.m. this morning. I could see him strong and in control, fighting illness, trying to survive, enjoying this earth as much as any human I've ever seen. He had so much to give, so much to tell, and gone! His son Richard, my cousin, called me when I got home. He said he lost his best friend, his best supporter, and now he is feeling the cold draft of death as he did when his mom left them.
Hold on to those memories Richard, for this is what we are left with - - pictures in our memory; stories, love they heaped on us and we heaped back. Tonight though, weep, for joy comes in the morning.
Hold on to those memories Richard, for this is what we are left with - - pictures in our memory; stories, love they heaped on us and we heaped back. Tonight though, weep, for joy comes in the morning.
Friday, September 2, 2011
No, No, No!
Amy Winehouse and I have one thing in common in her song that includes the words,No, No, No! That word "NO" is the commonality. It seems that word comes up often in my so called life. Lately whenever I turn in a direction headed for a life for myself, I hear No, No, No.
This summer the heat nearly creamed my family. We were like dogs panting for air. When will it break? Not only did the heat "beat us down", the nursing home my mom was in beat us down - - Christian! Best! Loving! I don't know. It seemed they were on the phone every day or two reporting mom's behavior as being inappropriate. Next thing I knew scabies in the two Alzheimer's units were manifesting themselves; mom's clothes were disappearing as we took them to her to cheer her; no one could find them in this Christian environment. Surely if they clean there is a chance they would find them since all the clothes had her name on them. NO! NO! NO! New Dearform slippers; a wonderful red throw with fleece lining; new 2 piece pajamas, gowns, a new CD/Radio with a 40's CD included - - lost. Clothes that matched and were new so she would not look so lost and Alzheimerish - - those lost too! Did they find them when we asked over and over, NO! NO! NO!
They were all pious in their remarks about mom's behavior. The nurse said she had never seen anything like it in 30 years. I called the Alzheimer's Association and asked about mom's reported behavior. I was told it was not sexual in content, it was an expression of something she needed. I found out what she needed when she got home - - to rest! To be able to lie down on a bed and rest. She needed someone to take her to her room in the afternoon for a nap. After all these people have Alzheimer's and don't remember where their rooms are. She needed food! Someone to feed her or help her eat. She needed a little bit of compassion; however she also needed someone to care for her 24-7, Could I find that person? Could I be that person? Could my brother, sister, or daughter be that person? NO! NO! NO!
Mom is now somewhere getting some help. I wish I were superhuman, younger, able to leap tall buildings at a single bound, had relatives, friends,and money to pay for helpers, but do I? NO! NO! NO! I am worn out and I wish mom would have passed when dad did to keep her from this crippling, mentally challenging; inability to do anything for herself, due to this horrific disease!
I understand she has frontal lobe damage which leaves her with the inability to reason - - to function like the wonderful woman she has always been. My mom the artist; the compassionate soul; the rock of the family; the woman who kept the humor going; the woman with a deep love for babies; the woman who cared for us all when we were sick; the woman who cared for strangers; the woman who played with her grands; the woman who taught her grands to swim; the woman who prayed for her friends and family - - who cared for her dying mom; who loved flowers and gardens and birds, who wrote, painted, crocheted, knitted and had many talents. She is now needing her own doses of compassion and care, but the road to getting that is like being on the yellow brick road with signs pointing everywhere, and no one to direct the family to the right road. Am I blue? Yes! Yes! Yes!
This summer the heat nearly creamed my family. We were like dogs panting for air. When will it break? Not only did the heat "beat us down", the nursing home my mom was in beat us down - - Christian! Best! Loving! I don't know. It seemed they were on the phone every day or two reporting mom's behavior as being inappropriate. Next thing I knew scabies in the two Alzheimer's units were manifesting themselves; mom's clothes were disappearing as we took them to her to cheer her; no one could find them in this Christian environment. Surely if they clean there is a chance they would find them since all the clothes had her name on them. NO! NO! NO! New Dearform slippers; a wonderful red throw with fleece lining; new 2 piece pajamas, gowns, a new CD/Radio with a 40's CD included - - lost. Clothes that matched and were new so she would not look so lost and Alzheimerish - - those lost too! Did they find them when we asked over and over, NO! NO! NO!
They were all pious in their remarks about mom's behavior. The nurse said she had never seen anything like it in 30 years. I called the Alzheimer's Association and asked about mom's reported behavior. I was told it was not sexual in content, it was an expression of something she needed. I found out what she needed when she got home - - to rest! To be able to lie down on a bed and rest. She needed someone to take her to her room in the afternoon for a nap. After all these people have Alzheimer's and don't remember where their rooms are. She needed food! Someone to feed her or help her eat. She needed a little bit of compassion; however she also needed someone to care for her 24-7, Could I find that person? Could I be that person? Could my brother, sister, or daughter be that person? NO! NO! NO!
Mom is now somewhere getting some help. I wish I were superhuman, younger, able to leap tall buildings at a single bound, had relatives, friends,and money to pay for helpers, but do I? NO! NO! NO! I am worn out and I wish mom would have passed when dad did to keep her from this crippling, mentally challenging; inability to do anything for herself, due to this horrific disease!
I understand she has frontal lobe damage which leaves her with the inability to reason - - to function like the wonderful woman she has always been. My mom the artist; the compassionate soul; the rock of the family; the woman who kept the humor going; the woman with a deep love for babies; the woman who cared for us all when we were sick; the woman who cared for strangers; the woman who played with her grands; the woman who taught her grands to swim; the woman who prayed for her friends and family - - who cared for her dying mom; who loved flowers and gardens and birds, who wrote, painted, crocheted, knitted and had many talents. She is now needing her own doses of compassion and care, but the road to getting that is like being on the yellow brick road with signs pointing everywhere, and no one to direct the family to the right road. Am I blue? Yes! Yes! Yes!
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
A Long Day
On Monday, mom exited the nursing home. I never realized when she was admitted there, "behavior issues" could get you kicked out. I know this can occur in college dorms but an Alzheimer's unit? Come on!!!!
A diagnosis of Alzheimer's in the later stages does not leave much room for control of behaviors? Part of the brains wiring is missing; covered up with sticky stuff that doesn't allow the neurotransmitters to transmit the proper signals on how to act and react.
An Alzheimer's Unit keeps a person clean, safe, medicated, etc., but behavior! Another story completely... I received calls frequently from the unit stating mom was misbehaving, doing things they couldn't control. What could I do? Then out of the blue, "Come get your mom". If behaviors happen you go home, "kicked out" or you go to a Behavior Health Program (psych ward)to be medicated with this and that, trial and error - - a medication lobotomy. It is so frustrating, FRUSTRATING, DID I SAY FRUSTRATING????
Problems cause solutions if enough research is done. Hopefully Alzheimer's conditions will move into the 21st century soon and beyond! It might be too late for mom but there are others walking this trail, arriving sooner than later.
A diagnosis of Alzheimer's in the later stages does not leave much room for control of behaviors? Part of the brains wiring is missing; covered up with sticky stuff that doesn't allow the neurotransmitters to transmit the proper signals on how to act and react.
An Alzheimer's Unit keeps a person clean, safe, medicated, etc., but behavior! Another story completely... I received calls frequently from the unit stating mom was misbehaving, doing things they couldn't control. What could I do? Then out of the blue, "Come get your mom". If behaviors happen you go home, "kicked out" or you go to a Behavior Health Program (psych ward)to be medicated with this and that, trial and error - - a medication lobotomy. It is so frustrating, FRUSTRATING, DID I SAY FRUSTRATING????
Problems cause solutions if enough research is done. Hopefully Alzheimer's conditions will move into the 21st century soon and beyond! It might be too late for mom but there are others walking this trail, arriving sooner than later.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Logan's Birthday
Happy Birthday to our sweet nine year old grandson. You got your b-b gun, how exciting! So glad you enjoyed a special day with your grandparents in Arkansas. We will celebrate with you when you return.
You are a present to us every day of our lives. We love you Logan and celebrate your life every day.
Love,
Memaw and Pawpaw
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Happy Birthday Micah
Today is your birthday. I thought of you first thing this morning and remembered your wonderful persona, and how I miss seeing you today. I can picture you though. I just close my eyes and there you are, always! You are there from the 1st moment I saw you when you were born. So sweet, I couldn't wait to get you home to love on you, and watch you grow. I watched you grow for 9 years, then you moved elsewhere. I don't see you as much. I miss your funny stories that gave me such pleasure. I miss the millions of questions. Some, that I didn't have answers for. I am thankful for the very essence of you. There will never be another Micah.
Next year you will be a teenager, but let's not rush things. One year at a time! Before you know it you will be driving and that scares me. Yes, one year at a time, one day at a time. Thank you God for the wonderful blessing in our lives called Micah! Happy Birthday sweet boy.
Love,
Memaw and Pawpaw
Next year you will be a teenager, but let's not rush things. One year at a time! Before you know it you will be driving and that scares me. Yes, one year at a time, one day at a time. Thank you God for the wonderful blessing in our lives called Micah! Happy Birthday sweet boy.
Love,
Memaw and Pawpaw
Friday, July 29, 2011
To keep or not to keep, that is the question?
Well, about the dog, I still have her. She just now peed in the floor and I had taken her out of her crate first thing this morning so she could go outside plus I went out with her and milled around in my gown tail until she peed. We came in and I fed her, played and petted her. Chick took her out again for a poo break while he carried out the trash. She did it twice. Lo and behold, we came in and she ate her food, had a drink of her water and a teaspoon lick of peanut butter while I was making Chick an English Muffin.
Chick called the groomers and asked what time to bring the dog we are perhaps keeping and perhaps not. The dog came slinking to my computer chair where I am when Chick started calling her to put her on the leash. She wanted no part of it. He bent down, she squatted as he was putting the leash on and a puddle of pee was on the carpet. How do dogs know they are going somewhere when they've never been, etc. ? I'm still debating on this dog - - to keep or not to keep, that is the question.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
July 27, 2011
The air was sweltering already and the time was 7:00 a.m. I thought about the many summers gone by.
A time caught for a moment like the beautiful Monarch who fleetingly comes and sits on the rose and then lifts off never to be seen again. A thing of beauty. A glimpse of life, like a movie playing with mom, dad, my sister and then our baby brother. The Monarch,a creature of beauty. Like our family once was. I long to pick up the phone and talk to my parents. I long for holidays to be what they once were. Those longings lead me to another road. I must go on in a different direction as nothing is the same. Nothing!
I listen to the July flies knowing they will be gone in another month. Silence! No, something else will take their place.
A time caught for a moment like the beautiful Monarch who fleetingly comes and sits on the rose and then lifts off never to be seen again. A thing of beauty. A glimpse of life, like a movie playing with mom, dad, my sister and then our baby brother. The Monarch,a creature of beauty. Like our family once was. I long to pick up the phone and talk to my parents. I long for holidays to be what they once were. Those longings lead me to another road. I must go on in a different direction as nothing is the same. Nothing!
I listen to the July flies knowing they will be gone in another month. Silence! No, something else will take their place.
Monday, July 25, 2011
July 25, 2011 on the porch
It has been unusually hot this summer in Texas. My grandson, Logan, was outside riding his bike while I was puttering in the yard with our new dog, Marlee on Friday. I was remarking on the cracks in the ground; how deep and wide they are. I whispered quietly while standing over a crack, "Logan, listen!". I bent down with my hand behind my ear to listen. He said, "What is it Memaw?" I said, "I hear something!" I bent further down towards the crack with a serious expression. He bent down to listen. I said,"Do you hear it? Someone is speaking Chinese. You know the Chinese people live on the other side of the earth from us?" He bent down and said "Really?" I told him I heard them this morning and got so hungry for Chinese food; I drove to Golden China in McKinney and got me and Pawpaw some Cashew Chicken." I really had him for a minute.
No kidding, it has been an extreme summer along with the extreme winter in Texas; when will we be able to be comfortable to go outside again? The grass is gone and what is left is brown. We conserve water; therefore the lawn--over an acre of land would require lots of water. We have been watering the pecan trees closest to the house as the pecans seem to be cooking on the limbs in front of our eyes. When will this heat break? It is only July and August is usually the hottest month in Texas. I pray for some rain Dear Father of the Universe, please give us some rain soon.
This is my pondering today.
No kidding, it has been an extreme summer along with the extreme winter in Texas; when will we be able to be comfortable to go outside again? The grass is gone and what is left is brown. We conserve water; therefore the lawn--over an acre of land would require lots of water. We have been watering the pecan trees closest to the house as the pecans seem to be cooking on the limbs in front of our eyes. When will this heat break? It is only July and August is usually the hottest month in Texas. I pray for some rain Dear Father of the Universe, please give us some rain soon.
This is my pondering today.
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