No, No, No!

Amy Winehouse and I have one thing in common in her song that includes the words,No, No, No! That word "NO" is the commonality. It seems that word comes up often in my so called life. Lately whenever I turn in a direction headed for a life for myself, I hear No, No, No.

This summer the heat nearly creamed my family. We were like dogs panting for air. When will it break? Not only did the heat "beat us down", the nursing home my mom was in beat us down - - Christian! Best! Loving! I don't know. It seemed they were on the phone every day or two reporting mom's behavior as being inappropriate. Next thing I knew scabies in the two Alzheimer's units were manifesting themselves; mom's clothes were disappearing as we took them to her to cheer her; no one could find them in this Christian environment. Surely if they clean there is a chance they would find them since all the clothes had her name on them. NO! NO! NO! New Dearform slippers; a wonderful red throw with fleece lining; new 2 piece pajamas, gowns, a new CD/Radio with a 40's CD included - - lost. Clothes that matched and were new so she would not look so lost and Alzheimerish - - those lost too! Did they find them when we asked over and over, NO! NO! NO!

They were all pious in their remarks about mom's behavior. The nurse said she had never seen anything like it in 30 years. I called the Alzheimer's Association and asked about mom's reported behavior. I was told it was not sexual in content, it was an expression of something she needed. I found out what she needed when she got home - - to rest! To be able to lie down on a bed and rest. She needed someone to take her to her room in the afternoon for a nap. After all these people have Alzheimer's and don't remember where their rooms are. She needed food! Someone to feed her or help her eat. She needed a little bit of compassion; however she also needed someone to care for her 24-7, Could I find that person? Could I be that person? Could my brother, sister, or daughter be that person? NO! NO! NO!

Mom is now somewhere getting some help. I wish I were superhuman, younger, able to leap tall buildings at a single bound, had relatives, friends,and money to pay for helpers, but do I? NO! NO! NO! I am worn out and I wish mom would have passed when dad did to keep her from this crippling, mentally challenging; inability to do anything for herself, due to this horrific disease!

I understand she has frontal lobe damage which leaves her with the inability to reason - - to function like the wonderful woman she has always been. My mom the artist; the compassionate soul; the rock of the family; the woman who kept the humor going; the woman with a deep love for babies; the woman who cared for us all when we were sick; the woman who cared for strangers; the woman who played with her grands; the woman who taught her grands to swim; the woman who prayed for her friends and family - - who cared for her dying mom; who loved flowers and gardens and birds, who wrote, painted, crocheted, knitted and had many talents. She is now needing her own doses of compassion and care, but the road to getting that is like being on the yellow brick road with signs pointing everywhere, and no one to direct the family to the right road. Am I blue? Yes! Yes! Yes!